I think in hindsight one of the weirdest parts of being mentally unwell is watching people around you stop caring that you are. It's harder to care about something you can't see.
And yes, there can be many visual aspects of being mentally unwell, but when you're physically unwell, there's a true visible end to the pain. Break a bone, put a cast on it, bone heals, cast off. Get a cold, stuffy nose, funny voice, symptoms fade, all better. Mental health doesn't work like that.
They get tired of you being sad or angry or disconnected or tired, and sometimes they don't have the patience to see through it. They want to see that same timeline of the healing process. They'll start out with empathy, and they'll try to understand. They might grant you the time and space to figure it out, but they want you to fix it on their timeline. If you don't, they'll blame you. When you're depressed, they just think you're undeniably making your own misery. "You're too negative! Just think positively! You're bringing me down. Honestly, just learn to smile more." But what they don't know is that you're already telling yourself every bit of that, because you also wish there was a linear healing process.
When you're anxious, they start out telling you that all your feelings are valid. They tell you that it is okay not to be okay, and they'll offer to hold your hand while you dig deeper into understanding what is going on in your head, but as soon as it affects something they want to do, they'll tell you that you're overreacting. "Honestly, just calm down! Nothing is wrong! Why are you so negative!?" But they've lost sight of the fact that sometimes you know you need to calm down, and you can't, and that inevitably makes it worse.
There's no easy time-table with mental health. In eight weeks, the cast doesn't come off. The runny nose doesn't go away. There's no breaking fever. Sometimes there are good days and sometimes there are bad days. Sometimes there are good months. Bad years. Sometimes you're so used to going through the motions and pretending nothing is wrong that you've had a string of bad months and didn't even recognize it.
Truth is, they'd prefer it if you just went back to going through the motions and pretending nothing is wrong.
People want to see you visibly heal. They want that definite end. They want to watch it go away like a sore throat or a bad bruise, but it doesn't work that way. If you're not healing, they want you to act like you are. Enough burdening people with sadness! Be happy! Enough distracted focus on something you love because it's helping you hang on to the only idea you have left of a normal day. No one cares. Enough with the tears and the loud laughter you use to make yourself feel better. Enough with the constant motion and emotion because it's increasingly hard to sit still but it is all you want to do. It's been weeks. Why aren't you back to normal yet?
"You seem fine. You're just making it worse by staying so sad. Remember to be grateful for what you have. Find your happy moments in the day and focus on those. Smile. Your life is easy."
They'll give you a ton of advice. They'll tell you how to heal because it's taking too much of their time to care about your sadness. They don't see that you feel guilty for even being depressed because you actually are grateful for what you have. You see the good. They don't care that it took months, even years to admit your sadness because you thought that you had zero right to ever feel this way. And then you finally made your own mental health a priority, but that means you have to focus more on you and less on them.
So they're waiting.
They're waiting for that moment they can see you heal again so they can ask for everything they want again. They've just grown tired of your healing process. They're tired of your energy being spent on something that seemingly makes them feel less important. And when it takes longer than they're willing to wait, they will tell you that you're not even trying. Even when all you are doing is trying.
The timeline was too long. The bone never healed. The fever never broke. They needed the end and it never came. They blame you for not healing on their terms. They blame you for not healing their way. They blame you for their problems because you chose to deal with yours first.
There is no perfect timeline for mental health healing. There's no perfect cure, and it's not always linear or permanent. Stitches don't come out. A surgery doesn't remove the problem. It's a work in progress. Some days are better than others, and some days are terrible. But if you don't acknowledge it, feel it, experience it, analyze it, you can't move forward. What they see as negativity, you see as comprehension.
Your healing has to come on your terms and whatever process is necessary for you and no one else. You can't rush it. You shouldn't have to fake it to make someone else comfortable. Sometimes acknowledgement is half the battle. Take your time. It's your brain. It's your mental wellness. You have to take ownership. No one gets to decide for you.
And yes, there can be many visual aspects of being mentally unwell, but when you're physically unwell, there's a true visible end to the pain. Break a bone, put a cast on it, bone heals, cast off. Get a cold, stuffy nose, funny voice, symptoms fade, all better. Mental health doesn't work like that.
They get tired of you being sad or angry or disconnected or tired, and sometimes they don't have the patience to see through it. They want to see that same timeline of the healing process. They'll start out with empathy, and they'll try to understand. They might grant you the time and space to figure it out, but they want you to fix it on their timeline. If you don't, they'll blame you. When you're depressed, they just think you're undeniably making your own misery. "You're too negative! Just think positively! You're bringing me down. Honestly, just learn to smile more." But what they don't know is that you're already telling yourself every bit of that, because you also wish there was a linear healing process.
When you're anxious, they start out telling you that all your feelings are valid. They tell you that it is okay not to be okay, and they'll offer to hold your hand while you dig deeper into understanding what is going on in your head, but as soon as it affects something they want to do, they'll tell you that you're overreacting. "Honestly, just calm down! Nothing is wrong! Why are you so negative!?" But they've lost sight of the fact that sometimes you know you need to calm down, and you can't, and that inevitably makes it worse.
There's no easy time-table with mental health. In eight weeks, the cast doesn't come off. The runny nose doesn't go away. There's no breaking fever. Sometimes there are good days and sometimes there are bad days. Sometimes there are good months. Bad years. Sometimes you're so used to going through the motions and pretending nothing is wrong that you've had a string of bad months and didn't even recognize it.
Truth is, they'd prefer it if you just went back to going through the motions and pretending nothing is wrong.
People want to see you visibly heal. They want that definite end. They want to watch it go away like a sore throat or a bad bruise, but it doesn't work that way. If you're not healing, they want you to act like you are. Enough burdening people with sadness! Be happy! Enough distracted focus on something you love because it's helping you hang on to the only idea you have left of a normal day. No one cares. Enough with the tears and the loud laughter you use to make yourself feel better. Enough with the constant motion and emotion because it's increasingly hard to sit still but it is all you want to do. It's been weeks. Why aren't you back to normal yet?
"You seem fine. You're just making it worse by staying so sad. Remember to be grateful for what you have. Find your happy moments in the day and focus on those. Smile. Your life is easy."
They'll give you a ton of advice. They'll tell you how to heal because it's taking too much of their time to care about your sadness. They don't see that you feel guilty for even being depressed because you actually are grateful for what you have. You see the good. They don't care that it took months, even years to admit your sadness because you thought that you had zero right to ever feel this way. And then you finally made your own mental health a priority, but that means you have to focus more on you and less on them.
So they're waiting.
They're waiting for that moment they can see you heal again so they can ask for everything they want again. They've just grown tired of your healing process. They're tired of your energy being spent on something that seemingly makes them feel less important. And when it takes longer than they're willing to wait, they will tell you that you're not even trying. Even when all you are doing is trying.
The timeline was too long. The bone never healed. The fever never broke. They needed the end and it never came. They blame you for not healing on their terms. They blame you for not healing their way. They blame you for their problems because you chose to deal with yours first.
There is no perfect timeline for mental health healing. There's no perfect cure, and it's not always linear or permanent. Stitches don't come out. A surgery doesn't remove the problem. It's a work in progress. Some days are better than others, and some days are terrible. But if you don't acknowledge it, feel it, experience it, analyze it, you can't move forward. What they see as negativity, you see as comprehension.
Your healing has to come on your terms and whatever process is necessary for you and no one else. You can't rush it. You shouldn't have to fake it to make someone else comfortable. Sometimes acknowledgement is half the battle. Take your time. It's your brain. It's your mental wellness. You have to take ownership. No one gets to decide for you.
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