Fear

I am not scared of much. I welcome horror films, ghost stories, and all things haunted. Bugs, snakes, and other creepy crawlers of all kinds don't send me running away. The things I am scared of are untouchable. They're intangible. I'm terrified of feeling anything too real for a person that I forget who I am. I'm fearful that my anxiety will take over completely, and I'll never remember how great it feels to take a risk. I'm shaken at the thought of taking up too much space and scaring everyone around me. But I'm also scared to not take up enough space, and never completely feel like myself. Feelings are so wonderfully magnetic and astounding, but also so insanely overwhelming and intimidating. I am scared of being too much or too little. I'm scared of not being authentic and me. I'm scared of losing everything, gaining nothing. I'm scared of being scared.

Oh, and I'm scared of clowns. For real. Eff those things.

Fear has a funny way of showing up at the exact moment you do not need it. You're so excited about a new opportunity or your next adventure, and then the fear hits. It starts out slowly. One tiny thread that begins to unravel all the hope and positivity you started out having. That sinking feeling in the very pit of your stomach. Paralyzed by all the what ifs. Silenced by all the questions of how. Questions of why. The deep wondering of whether or not it's okay to go. The staggering thought of none of it being real. Can you trust yourself? Do you trust yourself? How do you move forward if you're wrong? Is it easier to just stay right here? Is it smarter?

Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of trying and getting nowhere. Fear of wasting your time. Fear of putting yourself out there and losing everything that you are. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of trusting someone to help take care of you. Fear of falling. Fear of fighting to get back up. Fear of not being able to get back up. Fear of never getting there. Fear of exhaustion.

It's an extremely difficult emotion to navigate, because it stops you dead in your tracks, but when fear wins, you lose so much more than an opportunity. You lose growth. You lose knowledge. You lose experience. You lose maturity. You become so terrified of losing yourself that you never even give yourself time to be found. You become so wrapped up in how it could destroy you, that you don't think about how it could improve you.

That's the thing about fear, though. It latches on to all your hopes and drowns them. It sinks every optimistic desire you have. It's powerful. Suffocating and resilient. It makes you forget everything that got you there in the first place. Each step. Each dream. Each thought. Each plan. Each hope. All gone because fear's ugly hand grabbed you too tightly.

Conquering fear isn't easy, but it is always brave. So be brave. Speak when the fear tells you that it's easier to be silent. Spread your wings when the fear tells you that you shouldn't take up space. Stand on your head, hop on one foot, do a cartwheel when the fear tells you that you can't be seen. The risks wouldn't feel so rewarding without the fear. Embrace it. Hold it. Then tell it to suck it, and go have that brand new adventure. Fall in love. Fall in lust. Take the leap. Love yourself. Lose yourself. Find yourself. Dive. Swing. Breathe.

Now do the next thing.