Listen, I feel crazy about 98% of the time. I either constantly feel like I am doing too much or I am not doing enough. I feel like I need to be there for everyone at all times, but I feel like I am not wanted and annoying when I am there. I am continually battling a need to find a happy medium space for myself, but I am never sure what that even looks like.
I've spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to be the one who is there for somebody only to realize people can only be helped once they decide they want to be. Some people, subconsciously or not, take comfort in their misery because it is far easier to stay there than to fix it. And, hey, I get it. I've been there before, but those people tend to take advantage of the kindness of others. Maybe not on purpose. Maybe they don't even understand what they are doing. I just know that I have got to stop feeling so guilty for not bending over backwards for those people. If I let them (and I have several times before), those people will take over my entire life.
My struggle comes from feeling like I am letting people down if I don't give them everything -- and I mean everything -- I have in me. If I am not exhausting all of my options, I'm not doing enough. Inevitably there comes a time when I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm not helping, so I try harder. That doesn't help either, so I overthink all the possible instances where I could have done something different. How can I support them in a different way? I need to do anything but step back because if I step back, I will feel like I am abandoning them. And in the end, I'm tired and sad, but the person I am trying so hard to help doesn't want, or sometimes even need, help.
I am naturally empathetic. I feel what everyone around me feels, and then I also feel my own things. You can imagine that gets overwhelming. I cry for every emotion, at nearly every movie, every book, and, most likely, when you cry. I absolutely truly love this about myself. Please don't ever misunderstand that. Empathy makes me a better person. It makes me a good leader and boss. Empathy makes me an animal lover, a fighter, and a good friend. It makes my life loud and full of emotion. However, it also makes me attached to everyone I know. It attaches me quickly and forcefully. And that part has it's good and bad.
I want the best for everyone. I really do. Except maybe Donald Trump or Mitch McConnell, but they brought that on themselves. I want the best for good people. When I get attached, it sends that part of me into overdrive, like it is solely my responsibility to make sure good things happen. That's a doubtlessly dumb burden to put on myself, but most of the time I don't even realize what I'm doing. Mostly until it's too late.
The thing is, self-reflection makes me feel guilty and self-righteous. Saying I want to take care of everyone, and I try hard to make good things happen for people makes me feel like other people are probably rolling their eyes at me. Like maybe I am an imposter, and most people see through that. They think I'm exaggerating. Am I really trying for those around me or do I just think that I am?
But my need for self-reflection became apparent because I really had to start to understand what I do that makes my anxiety or depression worse. I have to know what I can and cannot control. I need to truly dig into what the negative side effects are and how to balance. I love being empathetic. I love being emotional and attached to my world, but I have to analyze when that is and isn't a pile of sunshine and rainbows. Not every personality design is either good or bad. Most of the time, it's both.
I let myself get beyond immersed in other people's lives. I care way too much about people who end up not caring about me. Two things about that: 1. I have people who care about me just as I care about them. I'm strictly just referring to the ones who don't. 2. Never let the possibility of reciprocation be the reason you do something for someone else. I never expect people to do exactly the same for me, but at some point, you have to know when to let go of the people who would never do anything, or maybe even do just the bare minimum. The ones who don't care, and the ones who refuse to let people in. Those people just simply cannot take up all of my time anymore.
The problem is, when I become attached, it's hard for me to distinguish the people I need to keep and the people I just don't know how to let go. And after years of failing at letting go of the right ones, I just become terrified from the beginning that I'll fall into the exact same pattern, while simultaneously feeling guilty if I don't try. It can be a vicious cycle.
But understand that I have made huge strides in knowing how to take care of myself and what I want. Please know that my empathy is both a gift and a nightmare, but I choose to celebrate it and learn how to use it to better my life. What I need from you is understanding and honesty. I do enjoy taking care of others and helping them, so if you choose to be in my life, please let me do that. It doesn't have to be with everything or every journey, but don't keep silent to spare me the burden. If I'm attached, I care deeply about you, and selfishly, I feel more useful when I can help. In turn, I will always learn when I need to simply just listen and take a step back when my help is not needed. I am working on not forcing myself into situations where there is no space for me, but I would like there to be space for me if you can share it.
I'm happier when I'm around people. When I say I want to be there, believe that's never a lie. I want to be there with the anger, the sadness, the joy, the fear, the excitement. Whatever it is you're experiencing, I want to be there with it. If it's you, I'll be there.
I've never been so honest with myself as I have this last year, and it has shown through in the relationships I've grown and lost. The one thing that hasn't changed is that, even through all the fear of putting myself into completely new and vulnerable situations, I still value personal relationships a great deal, and will never stop giving them a chance to flourish. I am scared all the time that I am making the wrong decision, but it always teaches me something. The goodness of taking a risk, even in failure, always makes it worth it.
If I say I'm in your corner, know that I am with everything I have. Also please know that I can't lose myself for another person again. I won't give up more of me to make your life easier, but I will use who I am to help you see all the good in the world, in me, and in you.
All the x's and one o,
-Emily
I've spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to be the one who is there for somebody only to realize people can only be helped once they decide they want to be. Some people, subconsciously or not, take comfort in their misery because it is far easier to stay there than to fix it. And, hey, I get it. I've been there before, but those people tend to take advantage of the kindness of others. Maybe not on purpose. Maybe they don't even understand what they are doing. I just know that I have got to stop feeling so guilty for not bending over backwards for those people. If I let them (and I have several times before), those people will take over my entire life.
My struggle comes from feeling like I am letting people down if I don't give them everything -- and I mean everything -- I have in me. If I am not exhausting all of my options, I'm not doing enough. Inevitably there comes a time when I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm not helping, so I try harder. That doesn't help either, so I overthink all the possible instances where I could have done something different. How can I support them in a different way? I need to do anything but step back because if I step back, I will feel like I am abandoning them. And in the end, I'm tired and sad, but the person I am trying so hard to help doesn't want, or sometimes even need, help.
I am naturally empathetic. I feel what everyone around me feels, and then I also feel my own things. You can imagine that gets overwhelming. I cry for every emotion, at nearly every movie, every book, and, most likely, when you cry. I absolutely truly love this about myself. Please don't ever misunderstand that. Empathy makes me a better person. It makes me a good leader and boss. Empathy makes me an animal lover, a fighter, and a good friend. It makes my life loud and full of emotion. However, it also makes me attached to everyone I know. It attaches me quickly and forcefully. And that part has it's good and bad.
I want the best for everyone. I really do. Except maybe Donald Trump or Mitch McConnell, but they brought that on themselves. I want the best for good people. When I get attached, it sends that part of me into overdrive, like it is solely my responsibility to make sure good things happen. That's a doubtlessly dumb burden to put on myself, but most of the time I don't even realize what I'm doing. Mostly until it's too late.
The thing is, self-reflection makes me feel guilty and self-righteous. Saying I want to take care of everyone, and I try hard to make good things happen for people makes me feel like other people are probably rolling their eyes at me. Like maybe I am an imposter, and most people see through that. They think I'm exaggerating. Am I really trying for those around me or do I just think that I am?
But my need for self-reflection became apparent because I really had to start to understand what I do that makes my anxiety or depression worse. I have to know what I can and cannot control. I need to truly dig into what the negative side effects are and how to balance. I love being empathetic. I love being emotional and attached to my world, but I have to analyze when that is and isn't a pile of sunshine and rainbows. Not every personality design is either good or bad. Most of the time, it's both.
I let myself get beyond immersed in other people's lives. I care way too much about people who end up not caring about me. Two things about that: 1. I have people who care about me just as I care about them. I'm strictly just referring to the ones who don't. 2. Never let the possibility of reciprocation be the reason you do something for someone else. I never expect people to do exactly the same for me, but at some point, you have to know when to let go of the people who would never do anything, or maybe even do just the bare minimum. The ones who don't care, and the ones who refuse to let people in. Those people just simply cannot take up all of my time anymore.
The problem is, when I become attached, it's hard for me to distinguish the people I need to keep and the people I just don't know how to let go. And after years of failing at letting go of the right ones, I just become terrified from the beginning that I'll fall into the exact same pattern, while simultaneously feeling guilty if I don't try. It can be a vicious cycle.
But understand that I have made huge strides in knowing how to take care of myself and what I want. Please know that my empathy is both a gift and a nightmare, but I choose to celebrate it and learn how to use it to better my life. What I need from you is understanding and honesty. I do enjoy taking care of others and helping them, so if you choose to be in my life, please let me do that. It doesn't have to be with everything or every journey, but don't keep silent to spare me the burden. If I'm attached, I care deeply about you, and selfishly, I feel more useful when I can help. In turn, I will always learn when I need to simply just listen and take a step back when my help is not needed. I am working on not forcing myself into situations where there is no space for me, but I would like there to be space for me if you can share it.
I'm happier when I'm around people. When I say I want to be there, believe that's never a lie. I want to be there with the anger, the sadness, the joy, the fear, the excitement. Whatever it is you're experiencing, I want to be there with it. If it's you, I'll be there.
I've never been so honest with myself as I have this last year, and it has shown through in the relationships I've grown and lost. The one thing that hasn't changed is that, even through all the fear of putting myself into completely new and vulnerable situations, I still value personal relationships a great deal, and will never stop giving them a chance to flourish. I am scared all the time that I am making the wrong decision, but it always teaches me something. The goodness of taking a risk, even in failure, always makes it worth it.
If I say I'm in your corner, know that I am with everything I have. Also please know that I can't lose myself for another person again. I won't give up more of me to make your life easier, but I will use who I am to help you see all the good in the world, in me, and in you.
All the x's and one o,
-Emily
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