Honestly anger is my worst emotion. The one I hate the most. The one I have the ultimate trouble with.
It's just that more often than not, the reasons I get angry stem from disappointment. I tend to be extremely trusting. Most would say I get too attached to everyone I meet, everyone I don't meet, and anything that breathes. I want so desperately to see that people are good that I forget they can also be bad. Basically when something goes wrong, my anger comes from how much I cannot understand how someone could have it in them to act that way.
This is a really dumb and arrogant way of looking at other people. Sometimes. I love being an optimist and seeing people as inherently good, but sometimes it means I miss signs from people. A lot of the time, it means I think if I push hard enough, I can make anyone the best person they can truly be. That's the arrogant part. Thinking people need me. All the time. A ton of unnecessary anger comes from that spot. I just want to help.
I get mad at people I am interested in because instead of just telling me the truth about how they feel, they disappear. I get mad at friends who give up because I can't understand how it is so easy for someone to sever ties. I get mad at the country because I absolutely don't comprehend how a person could care more about money than actual human lives. I get mad at the world because I have no clue about how borders make us feel like we matter more.
My anger comes so easily when I can't wrap my head around how people can treat others so badly. When people don't listen. When everyone is so quick to judgment that they fail to see their own ignorance. I get angry when people choose to be mad at the act of confrontation rather than seeing the bigger issue. I hate the lack of honesty. The betrayal. The unwillingness to learn.
My hot head comes out worst when I am guilty of all of those things too. I become angry with myself for failing to see where someone else is coming from. Sometimes angry for not showing patience to to people who need it the most. And sometimes angry for not seeing a glaring misstep. Or sometimes angry because I gave someone the benefit of the doubt who never deserved it. Angry with myself because I let myself down.
The problem is my anger is never just simple.
My faith and trust being shattered. The anger mixed with sadness for being let down. For letting myself be let down. For letting myself down. For trusting so easily. For thinking I will always be able to bring out the best in people. As someone who longs to always see the best and the bright, being forced to see the worst and the dark is my worst struggle.
Working through anger meant remembering other people aren't like me. Everyone has their own past, their own stories, and their own way of lashing out, shutting down, and moving on. They don't always do things the same way I do. When I ignore this fact, my anger ends up becoming more intense and mostly unnecessary. When I let myself forget that everyone's life has different values, different cores, different pains, that is when the instant overreaction hits the hardest.
Being mad, staying mad -- that's the easy part, but anger makes me so tired. I've always been someone who harbors anger, because my trust is shattered, but recently I have learned that it wears me out. You just don't have to be angry. People mess up. People hurt your feelings. People leave. It sucks. Simple. It really does, but you cannot let it take over. You lose people in your life who are good people when you refuse to hear "I'm sorry" or show kindness and forgiveness. You lose pieces of yourself you attached to others when you cannot let it go. Make amends. Accept apologies. Let it go.
There are times when anger is necessary, absolutely, but it isn't always. And it isn't a forever feeling. Let it go. Instant anger causes bigger problems. So take a breath. Lingering anger eats your goodness. So shake it off. Forgiveness doesn't always have to mean everything goes back to normal, but it can absolutely make you feel lighter. It can lift that weight on your heart. Letting go of anger doesn't always have to mean you forgive. It can just mean you choose not to let it consume you. You choose to let go of the anchor.
Feeling anger is normal. It's necessary. Coupled with passion and compassion, anger has beautiful power. It's a complex emotion that teaches you what you're willing to accept from the world. It teaches others what you do and do not tolerate. It's wonderful when you don't let it wear you down. It's a tool to teach the world what we do and do not stand for. It's useful when you don't let it run you into the ground.
I still have to learn when and how to let go. Emotions aren't always easy. They aren't cut and dry. Anger is my worst feeling, but it can be so much easier when I let go. Understand everyone is human. Understand that patterns tell a bigger story, not one action. Understand that most people just need kindness. Understand when anger stops solving a problem and starts making it worse.
It's just that more often than not, the reasons I get angry stem from disappointment. I tend to be extremely trusting. Most would say I get too attached to everyone I meet, everyone I don't meet, and anything that breathes. I want so desperately to see that people are good that I forget they can also be bad. Basically when something goes wrong, my anger comes from how much I cannot understand how someone could have it in them to act that way.
This is a really dumb and arrogant way of looking at other people. Sometimes. I love being an optimist and seeing people as inherently good, but sometimes it means I miss signs from people. A lot of the time, it means I think if I push hard enough, I can make anyone the best person they can truly be. That's the arrogant part. Thinking people need me. All the time. A ton of unnecessary anger comes from that spot. I just want to help.
I get mad at people I am interested in because instead of just telling me the truth about how they feel, they disappear. I get mad at friends who give up because I can't understand how it is so easy for someone to sever ties. I get mad at the country because I absolutely don't comprehend how a person could care more about money than actual human lives. I get mad at the world because I have no clue about how borders make us feel like we matter more.
My anger comes so easily when I can't wrap my head around how people can treat others so badly. When people don't listen. When everyone is so quick to judgment that they fail to see their own ignorance. I get angry when people choose to be mad at the act of confrontation rather than seeing the bigger issue. I hate the lack of honesty. The betrayal. The unwillingness to learn.
My hot head comes out worst when I am guilty of all of those things too. I become angry with myself for failing to see where someone else is coming from. Sometimes angry for not showing patience to to people who need it the most. And sometimes angry for not seeing a glaring misstep. Or sometimes angry because I gave someone the benefit of the doubt who never deserved it. Angry with myself because I let myself down.
The problem is my anger is never just simple.
My faith and trust being shattered. The anger mixed with sadness for being let down. For letting myself be let down. For letting myself down. For trusting so easily. For thinking I will always be able to bring out the best in people. As someone who longs to always see the best and the bright, being forced to see the worst and the dark is my worst struggle.
Working through anger meant remembering other people aren't like me. Everyone has their own past, their own stories, and their own way of lashing out, shutting down, and moving on. They don't always do things the same way I do. When I ignore this fact, my anger ends up becoming more intense and mostly unnecessary. When I let myself forget that everyone's life has different values, different cores, different pains, that is when the instant overreaction hits the hardest.
Being mad, staying mad -- that's the easy part, but anger makes me so tired. I've always been someone who harbors anger, because my trust is shattered, but recently I have learned that it wears me out. You just don't have to be angry. People mess up. People hurt your feelings. People leave. It sucks. Simple. It really does, but you cannot let it take over. You lose people in your life who are good people when you refuse to hear "I'm sorry" or show kindness and forgiveness. You lose pieces of yourself you attached to others when you cannot let it go. Make amends. Accept apologies. Let it go.
There are times when anger is necessary, absolutely, but it isn't always. And it isn't a forever feeling. Let it go. Instant anger causes bigger problems. So take a breath. Lingering anger eats your goodness. So shake it off. Forgiveness doesn't always have to mean everything goes back to normal, but it can absolutely make you feel lighter. It can lift that weight on your heart. Letting go of anger doesn't always have to mean you forgive. It can just mean you choose not to let it consume you. You choose to let go of the anchor.
Feeling anger is normal. It's necessary. Coupled with passion and compassion, anger has beautiful power. It's a complex emotion that teaches you what you're willing to accept from the world. It teaches others what you do and do not tolerate. It's wonderful when you don't let it wear you down. It's a tool to teach the world what we do and do not stand for. It's useful when you don't let it run you into the ground.
I still have to learn when and how to let go. Emotions aren't always easy. They aren't cut and dry. Anger is my worst feeling, but it can be so much easier when I let go. Understand everyone is human. Understand that patterns tell a bigger story, not one action. Understand that most people just need kindness. Understand when anger stops solving a problem and starts making it worse.
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